Introduction
As a rule, people remember all the offensive actions of those who made them uncomfortable. Forgiveness is the act of overcoming feelings of resentment and revenge towards the offender. It is a virtue, but everyone perceives it variously: some believe that specific actions are excusable, while others do not (Allen, 2021; Radu et al., 2019).
Meanwhile, the rest consider that it allows them to commit their evil deeds repeatedly once forgiven. Forgiveness is a subjective concept, and its meaning can vary significantly (Howes, 2020). Accepting an apology can help people change, freeing them from wanting to commit cruel acts towards others.
Book Themes
The book Why Don’t You Apologize? by Harriet Lerner discloses the principles of apologies and illustrates them with stories. For over two decades, the author has been researching this phenomenon. In her book, Harriet (2017) explores the faces of an apologizer – how people put on different masks to present an apology. She also discloses the reasons for apologetics and whether it is a healing or destructive power by exemplifying the cases (Harriet, 2017).
Writing has psychological underpinnings, and therapeutic effects are needed for those who devalue or exaggerate forgiveness. Moreover, the book addresses those who were injured – those who were offended. Harriet claims that forgiveness is not the sole phenomenon leading to peace of mind, yet it is helpful for stress relief.
In addition, she addresses the issue of “too easily forgivers” – individuals who feel pressured to accept an apology, disregarding their own emotions towards the offender(Harriet, 2017). It is normal to reject the “I am sorry” from anyone if it does not seem right (Radu et al., 2019). Hence, the author attempts to confirm that any emotion is acceptable if it corresponds to one’s thoughts and actions.
Strengths
The book’s main strength lies in its exploration of the concepts of non-apologizers and over-apologizers, which creates a sense of equality by examining both parties. Harriet notes that sometimes one does not have to apologize to meet one’s standards. On the other hand, she emphasizes the healing power of an apology.
According to Harriet (2017), “the challenge of apology and reconciliation is a dance that occurs between at least two people” (p. 4). The book’s duality is remarkable in terms of psychology, as the human psyche tends to gravitate towards the currently relevant side without considering other options. Hence, the writing sheds light on how to adapt to different situations.
Harriet’s humorous narrative style helps one understand the pitfalls of apologies. Nonetheless, such a style is propped by theoretical underpinnings, which makes the book not just a leisurely read but a genuine psychological guide on the power of apology. Such an approach prompts the reader to contemplate the absurdity of instances where one insincerely apologizes and anticipates forgiveness when it is not even warranted.
Conclusion
In conclusion, Why Don’t You Apologize? is a perfect guide for exploring the emotions of those who tend to disregard or overestimate apologies. Nonetheless, forgiveness remains a powerful tool for releasing one’s feelings and comforting oneself and others. The book offers insight into the mechanism of apology and provides an undeniable opportunity to choose whether to be apologetic or not, thereby avoiding self-torture and harm to others.
References
Allen, K. (2021). The healing power of sorry in a relationship. Independently Published.
Harriet, L. (2017). Why don’t you apologize? Gallery Books.
Howes, M. (2020). A good apology: Four steps to make things right. Grand Central Publishing.
Radu, A.G., Arli, D., Surachartkumtonkun, J., Weaven, S., & Wright, O. (2019). Empathy and apology: The effectiveness of recovery strategies. Marketing Intelligence & Planning,37(4), 358-371.