What Is Fear?
Fear is a powerful and challenging emotion that often emerges from past struggles, influencing people’s attitudes, behaviors, and life choices. Moreover, addressing and overcoming the fear of rejection requires taking active responses. Thus, it is essential to understand the roots of my fear of rejection and potential loneliness. This third-level fear, which has led me to believe that “I can’t handle it” (Jeffers, 2007), now forces me to consider effective coping strategies and to analyze changes in my thinking, feelings, and behavior.
Understanding Fear and Its Development
In my case, the fear initially started at the age of eleven when my biological father decided to break ties with me, asking that I focus my love and attention on my stepfather, who he stated was a great guy. I would always sit by the window patiently waiting, and when I saw him coming down the street, I would be jumping up and screaming with excitement, “he’s here, he’s here!” Then, I would run out of the house to meet him, and when I got close, I would always jump up into his extended arms.
This went on for a few years until, one day, my dad stopped coming by. I wrote a letter to my dad and had my grannie deliver it to his work. He never responded that week, but on that Sunday afternoon, he came by my grannie’s house, and it was then he shared that he thought it best that I focused my love and time on my stepfather, who was a great guy and doing a great job with me. I never saw or heard from him again.
I would, however, get married to a wonderful man despite my fear, and we shared a few years. However, his extramarital affair did not sync with my beliefs and values, and so I felt my value of respect for myself and others was threatened. In this case, my fear escalated after my husband and I got divorced.
Additionally, the fear grew more assertive as my son was awarded a scholarship to attend boarding school in the USA. This was an excellent opportunity for a small island kid so I was excited but also scared at the same time. At this point, my fear had elevated from rejection to that of a fear of loneliness.
The Effect of Fear
The Protective Dimension of Fear
My fear serves as a behavioral coping measure. Initially, after the divorce, fear prompted me to devote all my time, love, and energy to the upbringing of my son. This one focus created a sense of accomplishment and diverted attention from my fear of not wanting to give my time to anyone else in the event of rejection. It functioned as a barrier, preventing me from exploring connections that may have been inconsistent with their idea of true companionship.
Limitation of Personal Potential
While the fear of being rejected and facing loneliness initially provided a coping strategy and a source of empowerment, it also constrained my capacity and prevented growth. The fear significantly increased, and it became impossible for me even to start talking to people on the street (Hoffman et al., 2021). As a result, the belief that happiness can only be achieved in isolation has long held me away from fulfilling connections and enjoying the benefits of company. When a friend invited me out with other people I did not know; I would always find some excuse not to go to avoid the potential of meeting someone who might eventually reject me.
Three Truths About Fear That Resonate with My Life
I was allowing my fear to take control to the point of losing myself. “The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it” (Jeffers, 2007, p. 15); this 2nd truth I thought to myself was what also contributed to my fear of going out to meet others and not being able to meet others’ expectations. My first step was accepting an invitation to attend Thanksgiving lunch with my friend and her family and some of her friends.
My friend introduced everyone to each other as we were from different Caribbean countries. We decided to play some games where we were going to be in teams. This was where my chatterbox jumped in quickly, “wait for someone to pick you, don’t go picking the team you want to be on, they might not want you; tell them you don’t want to play.” I went against the evil leprechaun on my shoulder and asked to be on the team with others I had not known before. I was trying to step outside of what I knew to be my comfort level.
Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness (Jeffers, 2007, p. 19). The thought of rejection, which can lead to eventual loneliness if I continue along that path, is very taxing on my brain. For me, Truth 5 (Jeffers, 2007, p. 19) works the opposite in that I have allowed myself to live with the underlying fear and to be helpless because the thought of doing it is frightening. I thought about writing another letter, but I don’t want a repeat of what occurred at 11 years old; I could call, but I don’t think I could deal with it if he doesn’t answer the phone, and I can go home and visit his home, but then it would hurt more if he doesn’t answer the door.
I know that I am not the only one experiencing fear, but other human beings are also (Jeffers, 2007). This I know from speaking with my two best friends and family members. I did not initially tell them what my fears were. However, I asked them if there was anything in their life that they could say that they identified as fear. My best friend Naomi said she has been living with the fear of being alone. She said she tries not to think about it, but she knows that she has no control over the situation. I smiled when she remarked, “I will not allow the thought to take over my life.” When I shared with her what was the cause of my fear and how I would prefer not to address it and just carry on with my life as usual, her response was, “That’s not healthy living; you need to deal with that fear (Naomi Ward, October 8th, 2023, Personal Communication).
My mom knows my fear and has shared that her concern is that I am allowing my fear to take control of my life. My mom is very supportive and has stated that she is willing to go with me to visit my dad when I am ready. However, she is concerned that I will never be ready. I am glad that I was able to share with her what contributed to my ongoing fear, as I was also able to share with her that I thought that she had told my dad to stop coming to see me. My mom shared that her fear was that I would think that she was the reason and that I would hold my heart against her, so she always tried for years to evade having any conversation about my dad. Knowing that others also face fear and that I am not alone has enabled me to confront my feelings of fear and try to create connections once more in a familiar space.
Strategies for Overcoming My Fear of Rejection and Loneliness
Taking Ownership of Self
For me to let go of the fear of being rejected and eventually being alone, I must take action to take my life back. I, therefore, want to work with my fear. Therefore, to overcome my fear I need to have an honest conversation and positive self-talk with myself, which would help me to have that conversation with my dad.
My first strategy is to kick away the crutch that I for so long have been using as an excuse not to address my fear (Jeffers, 2007). Therefore, instead of trying to preempt what people might be thinking, saying, or doing, I have to train my mind and heart to understand that whatever it might be, “I can handle it.” Only when I can do so would I be able to have that positive self-talk, which helps me to know that “I am loved, I am heard, I am strong, and I have a voice.” When I look in the mirror each day my positive words to myself would help me to build my self-confidence, self-image, and my self-esteem.
A Vision and Professional Assistance
A comprehensive approach is essential to addressing my fear of rejection through meeting others. One of the most significant strategies that I have started to implement is to fight against negative convictions and develop a positive vision of my future (Schellekens & van der Lee, 2020). Meanwhile, there are several other coping strategies that can support me in addressing my fear and embracing the opportunities for socializing and new friendships. These are, firstly, professional help and assistance from professionals. Accordingly, I consider it necessary for me to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in anxiety, fear, or life changes.
Involvement in Different Activities
To combat the fear of loneliness and the fear of socializing, I chose events or hobbies that correspond to my personal interests. In this way, when I visit the tennis and squash club, I am more likely to find others who have similar interests to me. With our common interest this would aid in my being in a safe space once again. An alternative method of meeting new acquaintances is to attend community meetings, workshops, or social gatherings (Schellekens & van der Lee, 2020). These environments can promote meeting new individuals and socializing.
Meanwhile, another approach to coping with my fear is to choose an activity that is based on communication. For example, volunteering for the Kiwanis Club will not only offer me a strong sense of purpose and realization but will also familiarize me with a diverse community of people with similar values and passions. The benefits of this activity are that I will be in regular contact with various people and will be compelled to maintain relationships with them (Jeffers, 2007). This is a means to tackle not only the fear of new acquaintances but also to establish solid social relationships.
Pay Attention to Self
It is important to expand my comfort zone gradually in order not to make a wrong emotional choice. I need to emphasize self-care measures that facilitate release and reduce stress, such as yoga, relaxation, meditation, or walking. The practice of mindfulness can support me in remaining physically and mentally present and available for new experiences without excessive stress. Additionally, mindfulness, in combination with other methods, can help me to address my fear of isolation and loneliness.
Taking Action
“Feel the fear and do it anyway” (Jeffers, 2007) prompts you to act if you are to regain control of your life. The strategy I will use first to have that conversation with my dad would be to first write down some questions that I would want to ask, understanding that as our conversation continues, more questions will come up. Another would be to remind myself that taking action does not entail casting blame on my dad for the negative feelings I have about my life. Not casting blame is, therefore, the first step in regaining my control (Jeffers, 2007, p. 58). My next step would be to call my dad and if I can’t reach him, I will send a letter, and when I travel home, I will go and see him.
To Have a Support System
My support group would consist of my son, my mom, my two best friends, my cousin, my aunt and uncle, my friends, and my CYCC friends. They would provide a warm and welcoming environment for me to feel comfortable, and they would also go with me to events, so I would not isolate myself from the world; they would give feedback, whether positive or negative, on my behavior and any concerns that I share. Everyone has their own experiences, and I don’t want my circle to counsel me. However, it’s always good to hear other perspectives on similar matters. This might help me to have a different perspective on approaching my fear.
The Differences in My Thinking, Feeling, and Behavior That Others Will See
My thinking has changed drastically during my period of struggle with my fear of rejection and loneliness. I have more positive thoughts, and I have taken a new perspective on the world and life. I no longer think that no one wants me. Besides, I have acquired a lot of positive attributes, such as the ability to improve myself, the willingness to change, and the motivation to achieve my full potential. The adoption of a negative mindset resulted in a fundamental transformation of my emotions. I feel an enhanced sense of confidence, self-assurance, and dignity. This new assurance comes from believing in my capability to handle adversity successfully.
Furthermore, my demeanor has also shifted under the pressure of a positive mindset and the improvement of my feelings. I gradually have a more assertive and cooperative demeanor while also making new contacts with other people. I am learning to be enthusiastic about approaching interaction and group environments and to actively contribute and engage.
The fear that may have limited me in the past is no longer hidden; instead, I am openly challenging it and working towards addressing it.
I also began to take greater care of myself, both physically and mentally. This meant that people started to establish social and networking contacts with me, and the feeling of loneliness decreased. Nevertheless, I have also experienced a change in my attitude and behavior that is focused on increasing my resilience to life’s challenges. Rather than being discouraged by adversity, I see failure as temporary and surmountable.
Conclusion
In summary, no communication with my father, the divorce, and my focus on my son alone caused me to fear loneliness after my son left to study. However, strategies such as professional help, involvement in activities and various practices, and communication with my family allow me to overcome the fear of loneliness. I have tried to use many tips to overcome my fear of loneliness, from preparing to meet my father to accepting an invitation to a holiday party. Adopting a positive mindset changes my perspective by promoting confidence, enjoyment, and proactive behavior. These strategies allow me to face my fears, expand my comfort zone, and build important friendships.
References
Hoffman, Y. S. G., Grossman, E. S., Bergman, Y. S., & Bodner, E. (2021). The link between social anxiety and intimate loneliness is stronger for older adults than for younger adults. Aging & Mental Health, 25(7), 1246-1253. Web.
Jeffers, S. (2007). Feel the fear and do it anyway (20th ed.). Jeffers Press.
Schellekens, M. P., & van der Lee, M. L. (2020). Loneliness and belonging: Exploring experiences with the COVIDâ19 pandemic in psychoâoncology. Psycho-Oncology, 29(9), 1380-1399. Web.